Jealous of Zero
by Mislagnissa
Summary: "When Louise performed the summoning ritual, she never expected to summon a carnie. But unknown to her, she summoned one of the most insidious magical creatures that Halkegenia has ever known and nothing would ever be the same. And like his Father before him, that's just the way Envy likes it." World Domination, Nobility Bashing, Wales/Henrietta, FMA Mangaverse.
1. Evocation, Adjuration & Conjuration

Further and further the dark tunnels went, snaking around and twisting back on themselves. Pipes and cables lined the walls and ceiling, and the sound of dripping water was omnipresent. These weren't mere sewers, but a sprawling labyrinth of catacombs. Here, there was a multitude of places to hide, if one so desired.

But that wouldn't save Envy from the horrible fate he ran from. No matter how far he ran, no matter where he hid, Mustang would find him and _Dear God the burning!_

He'd had the vitreous humor of his eyeballs boiled off, his tongue reduced to ash, and to top it all off, his body was _flammable_. If he'd been a skilled fighter, he might've been able to last, but he wasn't even a fighter to begin with: he was a spy and an assassin. Unfortunately as of late, he'd been forced into increasingly ill-suited roles.

Maybe Mustang would've spared him if he'd explained that he was merely following orders. But _no_, he'd had to _gloat _about killing Maes Hughes. Now it was too late to realize his mistakes. Mustang had killed Lust without an ounce of pity, and she hadn't been needlessly malicious like Envy was.

He needed to find Father, and fast. Father could help him, could save him. The fire-spewing worm didn't stand a chance against—

Wait a second…

What was that green flash? More importantly, when did he appear a hundred feet above the ground on a sunny day?

* * *

Louise simply stared with half-lidded eyes when the summoning spell simply failed to work the first two tries. It _was _odd that she hadn't made an explosion already, but part of her was glad she hadn't botched the ritual that badly. But if she didn't succeed in this, then she'd have to leave the school and her family's sight forever. She would—

Someone tittered.

That was it! She wasn't going to just sit down and be the laughing stock of the school. Screaming obscenities and blasphemies and prayers alike inside her head, she spoke the words of power she devised herself.

_Oh mighty pentacle blah blah I summon from my heart blah blah mighty familiar blah blah some other stuff blah blah and by Brimr this will work or so help me I will raze the mighty civilizations of Halkegenia unto dust!_

She'd show them, she'd show them all! And no one would ever make fun of—

The explosion was nothing less than breathtaking. Literally, as in people couldn't breathe with the smoke blocking their airways. Louise, somehow, was not inconvenienced in the slightest. For a moment, she thought she could hear some kind of whistling noise, and then a tremendous thump. The ground actually shook in that instant.

Walking closer to the source of the thump, she could make out a figure. When the smoke cleared momentarily, the rest of her classmates still hacking and coughing, her hopes were realized… and dashed.

She'd summoned a commoner (unconscious, _obviously_), and not just any commoner, but some kind of jester or acrobat, judging by his clothes. The long-haired youth was lying in a small crater that conformed to his body shape. Had Louise been paying more attention, she would've noticed that the depth of the depression indicated an amount of force that would've killed any human being who'd fallen from the height required to make it, but the youth was unharmed. Either he was incredibly resistant to damage, or he weighed a _lot _more than he looked. But none of this occurred to Louise.

Inevitably, the jeers began. Some mocked her familiar's bizarre appearance (even she had to admit that his dreadlocks were reminiscent of certain potted plants or weeds) and others accused her of faking the ritual, while Kirche, her nemesis, was one of the few who acknowledged that she'd actually been able to summon something. A subtle distinction, and one that Louise ignored when she accused Kirche of whatever she could think of at the moment, whether it be using magic to fake her bust size or sleeping around with anything on legs whether they be two or four. The specifics didn't matter.

Louise was interrupted, however, we she heard a groan coming from the formerly unconscious youth. She glanced back to see him sit up, dully looking around in confusion. He rubbed his eyes and said some strange words that she didn't understand, and then sighed and shrugged in what appeared to be relief before falling back into a heap. That only elicited more jeers about language barriers.

"Ms. Valliere, it's time to perform the binding spell," Professor Colbert cut in.

"But Professor," Louise cried indignantly. "I've never heard of anyone summoning an…" She bit her tongue to avoid saying _stripper_. "…an _entertainer _before!"

"Be that as it may, he is still your familiar, and for tradition's sake, you are obligated to bind him to yourself."

Louise sighed and nodded her head meekly. She walked over to the familiar-to-be and nudged him with her foot. He twitched and said something clipped, but otherwise didn't react. So she bent over and forcibly yelled in his face, "Get up!"

Envy yelped and rose to full height like a wooden plank on a hinge. He rubbed his ears and glared at her, saying something in his language that was obviously not polite, only to be interrupted when his lips locked with hers.

Louise pulled back, and muttered under her breath, "Be glad for that, it's not every day a commoner kisses a noble."

The youth stood ramrod straight, eyes wide open in shock. He glanced down at his hand, and then brought it up to his face, feeling his lips with his fingers.

Louise huffed through her nose. Envy glared at her and was about to say something before he started yelping in pain, tripping and falling flat on his bottom. His skin started turning a light shade of red, as though he'd been lying in hot water. His back arched once, twice, and then he went limp, breathing heavily. A set of unique runes had branded themselves into the back of his left hand.

Professor Colbert raised an eyebrow and walked over to Envy, kneeling down and placing his hand on the new familiar's arm.

"Those runes, may I see them?"

Rather than receiving an answer, Colbert immediately doubled over in pain, clutching his stomach where Envy had backhanded it.

"Familiar!" Louise screeched in anger. She pointed her wand at the still-collapsed Envy, and quite predictably, whatever spell she tried to cast instead caused a small explosion.

* * *

"What am I going to do with you?" Louise mused aloud.

Envy just stared at her sardonically from his position on the pile of straw that Louise has intended as her familiar's "bed." He wasn't in any position leave, as after his little "demonstration," Louise had clapped his wrists and ankles in irons and dragged his unconscious body up to her room. With assistance from the school's servants, of course, as the boy weighed a couple hundred pounds for reasons no one could discern.

As she began to berate him (uselessly, as he couldn't understand a word she was saying), he just sniggered at her. She growled at him and pulled out her wand.

"Argh! Be quiet!"

Yet again, her attempt at a simple silencing spell went horribly awry, filling the room with smoke and debris. Louise sighed and began wiping the soot from her robes.

"You know, if you're trying to beat me, it's not very effective. Your weirdo alchemy skills need a bit of work." Another snigger.

Louise's eyes widened.

"I understood that!"

"Well, whaddaya know? So can I." There was a beat. "How is that even possible?"

"Magic, of course! Were you raised in a cave?" Louise huffed in annoyance.

"Magic?" Envy laughed, and then glared at her. "Do you think I was born yesterday? There's no such thing as magic. I don't know what weirdo branch of alchemy you practice, but it definitely ain't magic."

"Alchemy? You mean like turning lead into gold?" That made Envy giggled at her ignorance.

"Something like that," Envy said offhandedly, before rising up.

"Now if you'll excuse me," he said, stretching his limbs and snapping his bonds like twigs, "I have somewhere to be."

He turned and walked out the door, leaving Louise sputtering.

"Wait! You can't just leave! You're my familiar, my servant!"

Envy ignored her. He had no interest in dealing with lunatics who believed in medieval witchcraft and demonology.

He managed to make his way outside before he noticed that his surroundings began shifting in height. He looked down to see himself floating off the ground, and a blond-haired boy standing a few yards behind him, waving a wand. There were a couple other spectators, including the pink-haired girl and a red-haired vixen, but none of them interested him.

Envy sighed and drew upon his Philosopher's Stone. His weight began increasingly rapidly.

Meanwhile, Guiche de Gramont suddenly began to feel his willpower draining more than before.

Sweat began trickling down his brow and his breathing became heavy and labored.

"Jeez Louise, how much does your familiar weigh? He feels like a ton!"

Guiche tried to maintain his hold on the green-haired youth, but quickly found himself collapsing in a heap. Freed of the levitation, Envy landed back on the ground, leaving deep footprints, and kept walking.

Louise just stared at her vanishing familiar. All her hopes and dreams had been ruined. Not only had she summoned a common, but she was so incompetent that he just walked out on her. All she could do now was…

Louise fell to her knees, and began to cry.

A few moments later, however, she was jolted over her sorrow by that cocky and disrespectful voice, "What are you so sad about?"

Louise opened her eyes, blinking away tears and she glanced to see her familiar standing before her rather than leaving. Rather than joy, however, Louise began to feel… heated. She glared at the green-haired boy.

"Weren't you just leaving?" she replied haughtily. Envy just shrugged.

"Well, I was, but then I noticed that I don't recognize any of the constellations and there are two moons in the sky of various colors," he said, counting his fingers as he listed the differences.

"So you've managed to drag me millions of light years to this planet, which is somehow Earth-like and inhabited by humans. I didn't know that was physically possible." He plastered his face with an obvious fake smile.

"So not only have you completely destroyed my understanding of reality, you've left me with nowhere to go and no way to get home." His eyes narrowed, and then he roughly grabbed her shirt and hauled to her feet, holding her a few inches above the ground.

"Send me back, now!"

"Gladly," Louise yelled in return. "But such a spell doesn't exist! So I guess we're both out of luck! Now put me down, you jerk!"

Envy complied, dropping her, and Louise turned her back on him, huffing. He sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose.

He was alone, trapped on a faraway alien world, with no way of getting back home and only this spell-throwing brat for company. But he had at least escaped from... from what?

Had he been running from something? There was something important, just in the back of his mind, but he couldn't remember what it was. But as the seconds passed, those thoughts quickly faded. Envy felt an odd sensation of... _freedom_ that he'd never felt before.

And this foolish girl had accomplished something the likes of which he knew that only God could achieve. The obvious choice hit him like a ton of bricks.

"If I stay here and become your familiar spirit," he began, "What can you provide me in return?"

Louise turned to him, glaring.

"For your information, I am Louise Françoise Le Blanc de La Vallière, daughter of His Grace the Duke of La Vallière. As rich and beautiful as I am, you should be glad to be of any service to me."

The gears in Envy's mind began turning with this new information. He was now in the privileged position of... _manservant_ to the daughter of a wealthy and influential nobleman. Outwardly, he smiled and took a bow.

"A pleasure to meet you, Miss Vallière. I am Envy the Jealous, at your service," he finished with false sincerity, offering his hand.

Louise stared at the outstretched limb in confusion, but quickly regained her composure and gave him her own hand. Envy kissed it (while trying not gag), as was customary.

"I'm glad to see you understand the proper way to treat nobility," she said, not suspecting anything strange about his sudden change in demeanor.

"And I'm sure we'll get along just fine young Miss," Envy replied, grinning wickedly.

* * *

Envy raised his eyebrows.

"Why are you undressing in front of me?" Louise glanced at him.

"I'm getting ready for bed, of course."

"That doesn't answer my question. Aren't you embarrassed to be naked in front of me?"

"You're my familiar. Undressing in front of you is like undressing in front of the family dog." At that point, Envy couldn't restrain himself.

Envy moved faster than humanly possible and grabbed Louise by the arm. She flinched in confusion.

"You're hurting me," she said, squirming in his iron grip.

"Let me make this clear. I am not your pet. I am not your slave. I am working with you only because I choose to, and I can leave you at any time I wish. If you want me to work with you, you will treat me with respect, understand?" Louise looked away, but Envy grabbed her chin with his other hand and forced her to make eye contact.

"Do you understand?"

"Yes. Please let me go." He complied.

She turned away and finished dressing into her nightgown. She'd have one of the academy servants take the laundry.

Louise wasn't stupid. Envy was utterly unscathed by her trademark explosions, snapped iron chains like they were twigs, and shrugged off a levitation spell. She didn't know how a mere commoner could accomplish such things, but he'd made it clear he wasn't going to let her walk all over him. She couldn't help but wonder if there was more to the oddly-dressed boy than she first thought.

Envy, on the other hand, was thinking about what a self-entitled bitch she was. He had little direct experience with medieval societies, but he had a great deal of historical information. This land was different from what he knew, what with the anachronisms like running water and widespread education for the nobility, but Louise's two-minute crash course in her society didn't tell him much that he didn't already know: the nobility were arrogant twats who oppressed the peasants and waged wars over pointless problems. The only difference was that the nobility here used so-called "magic" as their excuse to rule rather than divine right. It made little difference to him.

Envy slumped down into the pile of hay that Louise had planned to be her familiar's bed. He curled into a ball, not unlike a lizard or a dog, and slowly drifted into a pleasant sleep, full of dreams of glory and conquest. With his silver tongue and knowledge of alchemy, he'd conquer this world with ease. All the stupid humans would kneel before him, and with their chins in the dirt, they'd look up and cheer, "Who in all the heavens is mightier than Emperor Envy!"

* * *

"Time to wake up, Louise," Envy said tugging the covers off the girl's head.

"Just five more minutes," Louise whined sleepily.

"You asked me to wake you up at the crack of dawn, and that's what I'm doing. Now get dressed," Envy added.

Louise groaned, and turned over to stare at him.

"So it wasn't a dream then? I really summoned you?" Envy grinned.

"Yeah. They're serving breakfast soon. I'll meet you there," he said, and left.

Louise sighed and got off the bed.

A short time later, Envy found himself walking through the courtyard, observing the other students eating their breakfasts and gossiping about trivial things.

Suddenly, he felt something small bump into him. Envy barely budged, and looked down to see a serving girl holding an empty plate, a slice of cake on the grass a few inches away. The girl glanced up at him.

"I'm terribly sorry, sir, I wasn't watching—" Envy snorted.

"Stand up. You don't need to apologize." The girl retrieved the cake and stood, and he noticed something familiar about her features.

"What's your name?" he asked.

"Siesta, Sir. You're Lady Vallière's familiar?"

"That I am. Call me Envy." Siesta nodded.

"Yes, Mister Envy."

"You wouldn't happen to have any relatives from Xing, perhaps?" Siesta's eyes widened.

"How did you know? My grandfather claimed to be from a country called Xing, but as far as I know it doesn't exist."

"That's interesting," Envy mused aloud.

He was just about to say something when another person bumped into him. Envy glanced to the side to see a brown-haired student sitting on the ground.

"Terribly sorry," she said as she stood up, brushing dust off a basket of soufflés.

Envy remembered that the girl was named Katie, and another student named Guiche had been romancing her last night during his aborted attempt to leave.

"Do you know where I can find Lord Guiche?" she asked. Envy helpfully pointed her in the right direction.

"He's over there, talking with his other girlfriend."

"Other girlfriend?!" Katie cried, and ran off. Envy and Siesta stared at her retreating back.

"What a coincidence, this cake was for Lord Guiche," Siesta said. Envy glanced at her.

"Looks like he's in for a rough time. Let's go see!" He said, walking after the first-year. Siesta was close behind.

They were just in time to see the good stuff. Both Montmorency and Katie began arguing over the blonde, while he tried desperately to salvage the situation. He failed, of course, and both girls slapped him across the face before storming off in angry huffs. Guiche could only stare in shock as his hard work was torn apart.

Siesta decided that she should probably come back later, but managed to get only three steps before Envy burst into laughter.

"Man, those girls sure showed you. I can't believe how stupid someone would have to be to date two girls behind their backs." Guiche's face reddened and he puffed out his chest.

"How dare you! You would insult my honor like this?"

"Insult you? No, I'm just speaking the facts," Envy said lazily as he turned to leave. "You were good for a laugh, though."

"Come back here, commoner! I challenge you to a duel!" Envy just shrugged and kept walking.

"Fat chance. I'd mop the floor with you."

"Come back here and fight me like a man, you ugly bitch!" Envy suddenly went stock still and slowly turned back to Guiche.

"Ugly?!"

Guiche was completely unprepared for what happened next, as Envy closed the distance between them in an eye blink and grabbed the foolish boy's arms. Siesta winced in sympathetic pain at the two horrible crunching sounds that followed. Guiche could only scream in pain, forced to his knees by the agony of his arms being casually broken by the greenette's strength.

"Next time, don't insult your betters, you little bitch." Envy released the boy's arms and turned to leave. As he passed Siesta, he casually took the plate of chocolate cake off her hands and began enjoying it for himself.

The other students nearby could do nothing but stare in shock and fear. Siesta, to her credit, immediately ran off in the direction of the infirmary, calling for a medic.


	2. Preview

This is a preview of the upcoming chapters. They may be a bit long in coming, but this preview chapter is to assure you that, no, this will not be a simple retread of the series.

* * *

Miss Longueville stopped at the door, and turned around. Standing in front of her was none other than Valiere's familiar, Envy.

"Nice day, isn't it, Miss Longueville?" He chuckled. "Or should I call you Foquet?"

Longuevile's hand slipped into her pocket, fingers wrapping around her wand. But Envy waggled a finger in air.

"Ah ah ah. Aren't you curious why I haven't told the headmaster your identity?"

Now her curiosity was piqued. No one could possibly be stupid enough to confront her without doing exactly that.

"I think we can help each other. As the staff tells me, you're considered a folk hero among the peasantry. As fate would hate it, I have the Queen's ear, and she would be very sympathetic to your cause."

* * *

"More! More! More!"

Envy found it positively disgusting how Count Mot prostrated himself, begging to be whipped again and again. But then again, he was something of a sadist himself. He pressed his boot against Mot's head.

"Oh, I'll give you more. But not now, I have work to attend to. When I have need of you, I'll send word to you, and not earlier." Envy glared at the revolting sack of fat on the floor.

"Understand, slave?" Count Mot nodded his head vigorously.

"Yes! Yes! I am your humble servant, master!"

Envy dropped the whip and turned to the door, his body sparking as he shifted back to Siesta's appearance. Who could've thought it would be this easy? Kill two birds with one stone: now Siesta trusted him and could be useful in the future, especially with her possible link to his homeworld, while the sensation-starved Count Mot was now slavishly loyal to him, ready to obey his commands like a trick dog.

* * *

"W-Wardes? What are you doing?" Louise said, her voice choking up, tears welling in her eyes. Cromwell glanced down at the ring in his hand, confused.

"Why isn't the ring working?" he said.

"That's because it's fake," a voice replied from the shadowed hallway.

Wardes and Cromwell both turned, and their expressions of confusion slowly changed into expressions of horror, as a large, churning mass slithered down the hallway, obscured by the lack of light, accompanied by a low moaning sound.

Both mages quickly drew their wands, but they suddenly found themselves unable to move as two massive hands emerged from the darkness, grabbing them like they were children's dolls.

"How lucky am I that the great Cromwell himself walked right into my trap? This is almost too good to be true. Ahahaha!"

Both men screamed as the creature's square, doll-like teeth revealed themselves in the light of the torches, their cries slowly lowering in volume as they disappeared into the beast's gullet, dragged down by numerous pink arms.

Louise could only stare in shock at the… _thing_ standing in front of her. A pair of gigantic eyes, one of them composed of numerous smaller eyes, gazed at her, while its many secondary faces stared at her pleadingly, moaning pitifully.

"Mommy…"

"Help me…"

"I just want to die…"

"You didn't think I'd forget about you, did you Louise?"

Louise tried to scream, but her constricted throat could only manage a weak whimper. Mercifully, the pinkette passed out. The last thing she saw was a set of glowing runes on the creature's left hand.

* * *

Envy leaned against the balcony, while behind him people danced in celebration. He gazed over the green forests in the distance, smiling and thinking fondly of how far he'd come. He didn't really like the sensation of the expensive suit Louise bought him, but she insisted he couldn't just "walk around naked all the time."

"Sir Envy?"

"Your Highness?" he said, turning around.

"Aren't you going to enjoy the party?" Henrietta asked. Envy nodded.

"Don't worry about me, I'll be joining you shortly. I'm just thinking."

"About what?" Wales asked as he joined them. Envy nodded to him.

"It was only a few weeks ago that I arrived in your country, a complete stranger that nobody knew. Now people are calling me the Hero of Albion simply for stopping an assassination plot and decapitating the Reconquista."

"You're too modest," Wales countered. "A lot of people could have lost their lives in the war if you hadn't stopped it. Furthermore, the reforms you suggested are doing more to help the people than anything else in the last century."

"You should be proud of yourself," Henrietta said. Envy shook his head and chuckled.

"Ah, with friends like you..." He turned around to face the forest once again, and grinned insidiously. Everything was going just as he wanted.


End file.
